i decided to stay in toronto late last night. after long talks with some of my oldest and dearest friends, i reflected upon the blog that i submitted the night before (and have subsequently removed out of embarrassment) in which i pretty unfairly slammed toronto for being so deplorable and unaccommodating.

it occurred to me that toronto has not really been in the least unaccommodating to me. i have met some fantastic people here who have not tried to make me feel inferior or unworthy, but rather, have taken every opportunity to be empathetic and have tried to convince me to let my own guard down about what this city has to offer. it occurred to me that i haven’t done one tenth or even one hundredth of the things that i intended to do once i got here. and it occurred to me that all of these failings in perception and in action were my own fault.

it occurred to me that i have a pretty fantastic life here in toronto. that i am still reasonably young, healthy, robust and capable. that i have a great job with fabulous co-workers, and that i have been an unqualified success in every project that i have undertaken here, in spite of all of the anxiety that i’ve suffered facing each of them.

it occurred to me that i’ve never really explored this part of canada - that i’ve never seen the eastern shores of newfoundland or prince edward island. that i’ve never been to a french-speaking province. that i’ve never been to our nation’s capital. that i’ve never seen times square in new york or visited the site of the 9/11 attack, which after all is a date for which everyone remembers what they were doing - especially me. that i haven’t yet visited the townhouse in burlington where i spent two very happy years of my childhood listening to boney m at christmas time, and watching battlestar galactica (the original series) and loving my parents because they were gods.

it occurred to me that i am not yet finished exploring this part of my life and this part of the country - and that is why i emailed the city of edmonton this afternoon and rescinded my application to work there. it occurred to me that everything i need, i already have. i can keep in touch with my closest friends if i make that effort. i can stay in touch with my family and help them from here if i make that effort. i can love who i want and trust who i want if i make that effort. and i can live where i want and do what i want if i make that effort.

as a friend of mine recently reminded me, “life isn’t easy at the best of times,” which of course is true and obvious, but sometimes we need to be reminded of such. in a world where we all have so much and so much to be thankful for, i am thankful for every one of the experiences that i have had that have led me here - to this place and time and situation - so that i can learn more about myself and this world that i live in.

it’s time to celebrate!!!

- g