what a bizarre weekend.

with not much more than a couple of miraculous and unexpected months of respite, i’ve been in sort of a constant state of punch-drunkedness for almost the past six months.  it’s seemed that this whole time has been a period of getting through one thing or another and except for that brief hiatus, never getting to just “be” anything.  being told by this person or that person that this or that had to happen before i could expect this or that consequence… all the while stubbornly insisting to myself that i knew how to handle these changes and that i would do so in my own way and in my own time.  grief is obviously a complicated and difficult process, and it’s highly personal and specialized as well.  (the grief that i’ve known is of such a shallow and miniscule proportion to the grief that so very very many have suffered in this world, but still, it is my own and should greater tragedy befall me, then i will deal with it as those others do then.)

but now, it’s gone.  well, obviously not gone entirely, but sublimated. i can pick it up and hold it and turn it over, like a coal that’s burned out, without fear that it can hurt or burn me.  remembering far back, all the other challenges that i’ve overcome, all of the other disappointments that i’ve caused or that have come upon me.  all the victories!  all the great things that i’ve done and that i’m still doing!  my head’s above water again and i can see where i’m heading and maybe even catch a whole breath of air. with a hair's breath of altitude, i've gained a little of the perspective that i'd lacked, like the sliver of sun over the horizon that changes night into day.

i’m hoping that i’ve finally learned a very valuable lesson for myself – that happiness comes from inside you.  no one can give it to you, and you can’t buy it or even earn it.  it’s something that you manufacture like blood and sweat – it just comes out of the function of life and living – but it’s still something that you need to exercise and nurture.  and that was my plan for the weekend starting friday night – to nurture my happiness and exercise and grow strong again.

and then i immediately succumbed to an impossibly swift flu.  friday night i was critically exhausted.  all day saturday, i was writhing and sweating in bed (and certainly not in any kind of enjoyable manner), and even sunday, i was weak and numb.  even so… looking after myself by consuming a strict ration of tea, chicken soup and neo-citrin, i was happy.

funny days.

- g

trance song of the day:  surrender, above & beyond pres. tranquility base (anjunabeats)