if you have ever found yourself suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of a relationship, extinguishing your last hopes for a meaningful relationship in a city of insulated souls, then you may have learned as i have that the best way to recover your pride and self-worth is to go to a trendy bar and repeatedly drink yourself into a coma. but not just any coma, errr, i mean not just any bar. in western canada, there is an old and well-established tradition of staffing upscale bars exclusively with bartenders and cocktail waitresses who are all really really ridiculously good-looking. the right bar is essential because the wrong bar can induce bitterness and negativity, making it impossible to pull out of a shame-spiral-ego-nosedive. the right one can be stimulating, encouraging and flattering in ways that can help you feel better and keep you from thinking of yourself as decaying infectious human waste.
that having been said, there are certain rules of engagement around becoming a valued patron of such an establishment. no dancing on the bar. no stripping of clothes beyond your underwear. no criminal assault of fellow patrons. following these simple guidelines can help raise your status from miserable, annoying barfly, upwards to the point of favoured patron and big-fish-in-tiny-bowl. however, becoming friendly and familiar to your hot bartenders will run you the risk of becoming interested in them romantically, and that can lead to certain disaster. here, for your consideration, are my five top reasons for creating my dating rule "no bartenders or waitresses", no matter how good an idea that it might seem.
1) they work for tips: this is the most obvious point. although there are alarmingly few locations in toronto where this fact is recognized, it pays for serving staff to be kind and complimentary to patrons because if they develop a rapport, it might lead to a larger tip than if the patron utterly despises them (unless he or she is into that S&M dom-sub kind of thing). at times when one's self-esteem is low, it is possible to hyperbolize this kindness and openness and turn it into a kind of freudian projection of affection. put another way, it's possible for your imagination (and the alcohol you consume) to play tricks on you as you ponder the possibility that this kindness and concern might extend beyond your fourth or fifth martini. however in cold mathematical terms, at $12 a pop, an additional martini is really only exciting because it represents a $1.50 increase in the evening's take-home from tips (or $3.00 if you have had more than three martinis). now, this arrangement typically works out reasonably well for all interested parties, and has since sometime in the middle ages. but statistically speaking, if a bartender has to be nice to 50 - 100 people in an evening, the chances that you-the-patron are truly special are considerably lower than if you found a complete stranger being nice to you, without the encouragement of a gratuity. this point obviously doesn't exclude from the realm of possibility that you have a genuinely interested server… i'm just saying that it's less likely.
2) they are being hit on constantly: just think of the term… "hit" on. if i came up to you and hit you in the shoulder once, you'd probably be pretty perturbed. if a thousand people came up and punched you in the shoulder, you'd either lose your arm or your mind. the point is, it's numbing. it builds a proactive flinching response, or even a protective layer… like calluses… that makes it difficult to the point of annoying to successfully pierce through that defence. some people like that kind of challenge, and that's fine as ways of being go. i for one, pity the staff who have to sit and bear with it because hospitality is their industry. put another way, if i came up to you and asked you to drive me to edmonton from toronto, you might consider it for several seconds before shutting me down. you might weigh the benefits of touring the most beautiful country on the planet Earth with the cost and inconvenience of a four day drive. but if a hundred people per night asked you the same question, you would quickly negate any internal evaluation and respond with a pat answer that is quick, convenient and decisive, no matter who the travelling companion was.
3) they work with alcohol and alcoholics: it's a lifestyle. up until late at night and sleeping all day. people are constantly trying to buy them a shot or a drink to lower their inhibitions and ply them against point #2 above. it's a vicious cycle. a bartender doesn't want to seem stand-offish, but they need to pace themselves (and typically, their management doesn't want to encourage a proliferation of drunken servers). so very often and understandably, alcohol becomes elaborately interwoven into a bartender's daily routine in a way that might be discomforting to the normal day-time person. i can say from experience that the life has its own gravitational pull from which it is difficult to escape. for example, it's pretty difficult to get up for an early gym appointment or run if you've ben out until 5am partying at after hour spots. i think that may be the actual genesis of the vampire legend. some poor girl in the 1300's was obsessed with some hot bartender, and decided that it was a supernatural state of being to party like a rock star all night and sleep all day - a stereotype still very much live and in effect in the 21st century. however, the vampiric way of life is not highly conducive to success in the world of the living.
4) poisoning the well: once in a very blue moon (like the one we are having this very week), there will be several interesting bartenders - any one of which would be a fantastic candidate for an actual relationship. the problem is knowing how to choose the right one. if you pick one and pursue her, you run the risk of incurring the resentment of the rest. say Bartender 1 has a mild interest in you. Bartender 2 is the solid best choice, but Bartender 3 is mind-blowingly sexy. (now, isn't this so much like the logic problem in the classic "lady or the tiger" conundrum that philosophers have wrestled with forever?) choosing any one will definitely impact any subsequent opportunities with any of the remaining set - like trying to take a picture of an electron, observing the system necessarily alters it. pick the interested one, and you demonstrate your lack of sincerity to the solid choice. pick the solid one, and the one who is interested hates you for not recognizing her interest. take a shot at the hot one, and you could be shot down in flames, emasculated, with nowhere to turn because you are so shallow as to go with the choice that every mass-media-programmed-drone would prefer. the only ethical choice is not to choose any of these options since they could all lead to harm, but to look elsewhere.
5) who could love a loser: ok - i don't care how charming you are… no one can be happy to see someone at a bar 6 nights a week. there are only two possible reasons anyone could befriend someone trying so hard to hit rock bottom. it may be possible that (1) that person is so naturally charming and personable that in spite of a regular diet of 4 to 9 vodka martinis a night, repeatedly forgetting what he or she was saying, doing, or how he or she gets home night after night, he or she really is a super-cool person that everyone loves to have around. i find it more likely that (2) that person is seen as a positive force for economic stimulus, and so long as he or she is not embarrassing customers or staff, his or her astronomical bar tab is more than welcome. any reasonable person would prefer not to think of their bartenders and waitresses seeing him or her as the latter case #2, but this is a very real possibility. and if that's the case, you should definitely not want to date them. even if it's the former case #1, you would like to think that they would do or say something to stop you from spinning out of control.
this post has been something of a farce, but it is a bit of a window into why i have established the rules that i have over the years. if i were some 20-year old who thought about these things in one sitting, you might be right to be sceptical or concerned. but having long ago been a young guy, gazing longingly upwards at inaccessible bartenders and waitresses, and then becoming the guy who had to sit next to the douchebag-loser-guy trying to pick up my bartender/waitress girlfriend, to finally becoming the guy who was trying to pick-up some douchebag-loser's bartender/waitress girlfriend, i can tell you that this concise 5-point checklist is based on years of experience.
everyone is adrift in a sea of chaos. some of us are good and some are less good. everyone wants love, and almost everyone is deserving of it. if you are attracted to someone or think them to be grand, there should be no harm in letting them know. if you are not, keep it to your own damn self. if someone is nice to you, be thankful, and don't get all caught up in it. bartenders and waitresses are fantastic people who are exceptionally socially experienced and mature and it's only natural to be attracted to them. just let them do their jobs without turning it into a shakespearian tragedy. trust me. you will regret it when you hear about it at your friend's new years eve party!
- g
song of the day for knowing how some things are going to end: People Got A Lot Of Nerve, Neko Case
ps. happy new year! welcome 2010!
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